Bulletin board - Letterman II

College style

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Graduate

10. Cafeteria workers ask, "Anything particular you'd like to eat next semester?"

9. In essay on Civil War you wrote about Tom and Roseanne break-up

8. When you raise your hand in class, the teacher says, "Save it for next year."

7. Instead of cap and gown, you're issued a McDonald's uniform.

6. Your name is Ed Johnson, you're sitting in our audience, and you failed your organic chemistry final.

5. You're a student at Clown College, and Professor Bozo confiscates your big red shoes.

4. While I'm reading this list, you've already nodded your head at least three times.

3. You're spending too much time with your boyfriend Woody Allen.

2. Your essays are filled with words you've heard Madonna use.

1. You've been in the 8th grade since 1961.

Top Ten Least Popular College

Football Team Nicknames

10. · The Fighting Oprahs

9. · The Fumble Bunnies

8. · The Really, Really Wide Loads

7. · The Nittany Poodles

6. · The Trouser Pilots

5. · The Career-Ending Knee Injuries

4. · The Drunken Swedes

3. · The Gorgeous Ladies of Football

2. · The Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Pants-Dropping Presidents

1. · The Philbins

Top Ten Least Useful College Majors

10. · Stamp-licking

9. · Shopping for scarves

8. · Guesstimation

7. · The physics of chair-throwing on "Jerry Springer"

6. · English accents: Why they sound so fruity

5. · Comparitive blinking

4. · Counting backwards from 10 to 1 (with department head David Letterman)

3. · Meko balling

2. · The Ethnobiosocioanthropsycho-pharmacolinguistics of fudge

1. · Lee Majors

Top Ten Signs Your New

College Roommate is Nuts

10. · Walks around campus wearing nothing but a spiral notebook

9. · He orders Big Macs with extra condoms

8. · Whenever you put up a college pennant, he takes it down and eats it

7. · Keeps reminiscing about the time he was married to Larry King for a semester

6. · His personal web site: www.killmyroommate.com

5. · He keeps cutting the eyes out of your Hanson poster

4. · Claims to be majoring in something called "gettin' some"

3. · His GPA's lower than his blood alcohol level

2. · He says he wants to sleep on top, but you don't have bunk beds

1. · Has his S.A.T. scores tattooed on his forehead

Top Ten Rejected College Mascots

10. · Harvey, the Really Gay Georgia Bulldog

9. · The University of Miami Propeller-Scarred Manatee

8. · Zitboy, the M.I.T. Virgin

7. · Zsa Zsa Ga-Bear

6. · The Singin' Dancin' Wonderbra

5. · The UCLA Janitor with Mysterious Patches of Hair on His Back

4. · Pantsless Ol' Earl

3. · The Clemson Creepy Guy Who Graduated Years Ago But Still Shows Up

2. · Sniffles, the Big Cuddly Sinus Infection

1. · The Notre Dame Fighting Intern

Top Ten Signs you've Chosen a Bad College

10. · They boast that 90% of their graduates eventually make parole

9. · The campus is roamed by packs of starving coyotes

8. · So-called "sports complex" consists of a kickball and a swing set

7.. · Your letter of admission was signed by Sally Struthers

6.. · The dean is being followed by a crew from "Hard Copy"

5. · History professor + fake mustache = English professor

4. · Graduation ceremonies are held in a local 7-eleven

3. · Final project in Biology: dissecting a Snickers bar

2. · Orientation video features Frank Gifford and a flight attendant

1. · Average S.A.T. score: 2

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be the College Basketball 'Player of the Year

10. · You've made more turnovers than Betty Crocker.

9. · You keep asking the coach what inning is it.

8. · You keep stepping on the referee's foot with your high heels.

7. · You just got "drafted" to flip burgers at the local Wendy's.

6. · The referee calls you for "just plain sucking."

5. · Though the coach discourages it, you show up every game dressed like an astronaut.

4. · Your strategy: take a shot, do a shot.

3. · After every game, you receive a "thank you" note from the other team.

2. · Can't take a shot without being blinded by ashes from your cigarette.

1. · Frequently called for hand-checking yourself.

Top Ten Ways Country Would Be Different if a College Student Were President

10. · New constitutional amendment: parent legally required to do your laundry.

9. · Every Thursday night: quarters with Janet Reno.

8. · President buys State of the Union address from classified ad in back of Rolling Stone magazine.

7. · Federal disaster relief available for bad attack of "the munchies."

6. · North Dakota sold to Canada for a few cases of Molson.

5. · Red phone in Oval Office has direct line to Domino's.

4. · Air Force One replaced with really bitchin' van.

3. · Mount Rushmore is now: Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Jenny McCarthy.

2. · World leader summit rescheduled because President slept late and"blew it off."

1. · Secretary of State: Carrot Top.

Signs You Won't Be Getting Into College

10. · On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot

9. · Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonal's uniform

8 · After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco Bell

7. · You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers

6. · Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and "Castration"

5. · You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "good, honest book-larnin'"

4. · Instead of application, you send in a Where's Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled

3. · You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin' Eddie"

2. · Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black

1 · Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College"

Signs Your Kid Isn't College Material

10. · His guidance counselor's file contains two words: "yard work."

9. · In yearbook, was voted "Most Likely To Injure Himself Opening a Door".

8 · During algebra, interrupts teacher and asks, "When do we get to whittle?"

7. · SAT score? 9.

6. · He keeps telling everybody life is like a box of chocolates.

5. · Every time he sees a book he says, "What the hay is this dang thing?"

4. · He's the only 37 year old in the 4th grade.

3. · During appearance on "Jeopardy," keeps buzzing in and asking, "Alex, can I have some candy?"

2. · Thinks "valedictorian" is a brand name of condoms.

1 · Can't find Waldo